I miss simplicity. There was a time where I could be me without the expectation of anxiety. I once was a happy person who suffered from shame, but was so ignorant that I was happy with everything that I was. I could use a word like deconstruct or reconstruct to express the transition I’ve had, but I don’t think that gives this justice. I once was a puppet. I had strings attached to my dreams and now everything has crumbled like Samson pushing two pillars and crumbling under the weight of his pride all for the sake of a mystery. I can’t live a day without God even if I want to. I can’t seem to move away from this myth and mystery because even if God isn’t real, God speaks to me.
I miss the days when I wasn’t called a heretic. I miss the community who embraced me before I became a mystic. There was simplicity before separation made me depressed. I was once whole without blemish and without distress. Some days I think I’m fine but I can’t help but to realize that when I look over my shoulder my past tells me that everything has been useless.
Religion has been toxic and liberating. Liberation has been sanguine and melancholy. Toxicity has been deadly and liberating. Liberation. Religion. Toxicity. There seems to be a holy trinity and it boils in my blood as I hate me. I hate me but I have reached a place where I forgive me for not truly being me. I’ve let go of the things that I’ve been hurt by, and I forgive these things every day. My storm embraces the sunshine, so I know on the other side of my darkness there is brilliant light: love and Yahweh. Light. Darkness. Duality. Sunshine on a rainy day. That is my soul.
My soul is both dark and full of light. I’m both radiant and gloomy. I’m both full and empty. I’m both empathetic and selfish. I am. There’s no in between because there is no separation, even if you’ve separated me from you: I am. I am simplicity. I miss me. I miss simplicity. I miss you. I miss simplicity. I wish I could go back to the days before I had anxiety. I was I could live in ignorance. I wish that my liberation wasn’t depressing. I miss simplicity.