At one time, I was full of what I thought was hope. I beat myself up with this hope as if I was going to change for anything better. I swallowed down the words of others to fuel my ego as I sought to be “humble”, but my pride wouldn’t die. There was a flame of passion that burned within me, and that passion was a pursuit of self glorification for all of the amazing things I thought I did for God. Quite frankly, those things were not what I was meant to be doing.
I beat myself up because if I looked at a woman thinking she was pretty I would be seen as an adulterer because Jesus said such a thing. If I said the wrong words then my profanity would cause my innermost self to stumble, and people would most certainly think that I had lost my salvation. If I were to ever publicly admit that I enjoy cigars, I would have been demonized as an addict and a backslidden misfit. If they knew that I watched rated R movies, oh boy, would I have gotten scolded. The shame of being me was unbearable.
It took time in the wilderness to see that the city wasn’t where I needed to be. The City of Light was just a mirage of something that wasn’t even there. My thirst was quenched in the great departure. I painted my wool to be black while others imagined there was a wolf hiding underneath. I cried tears of blood only to be the lamb to slaughter. While such actions might be justifiable, they are a sin only forgiven because they know not what they do. Ignorance is only bliss when you’re the one in the spotlight. It’s like the Righteous Gemstones. Maybe, it’s like manifest destiny. Either way, you’re seeking to take over and expand your territory. Maybe there’s something that needs to be said about humility.
I don’t have all of the answers. I don’t have all of the time. I don’t really have anything at all. I am nobody and nothing. The less that I become, the more I gain. It’s quite funny how that works. I’d rather have nothing than gain the world and lose my soul. Big pastors in big homes. It goes hand in hand. Who is the sinner? Is it me or is it you? It’s probably both. I won’t deny that I’m as messed up as everyone else. The only question I ask is who are you really working for?