Reconciling My Old Church

I want to preface this by saying that if you’re from my old church, please read the whole thing. Thank you.

I’ve had quite the journey in my spiritual walk, and I know I’m not finished yet. Out of all of the things I’ve come to realize, I found that it’s so hard for me to let go of the pain. That’s not necessarily a weakness, but it can be really hard. Out of all of the hardships I’ve had, I realize that I’m still processing through my experience with my old church.

Despite all of the pain, I still can’t seem to erase them from my mind as much as I want to. There are good and genuine people who work there that I love and support, but I came to realize that there are more fake people than not. Mourning the loss of a loved one is hard, and that’s what I’ve had to do with my church. It’s been almost two years since I left and I’m still mourning. I have to realize that it’s dead. My beloved is not my beloved anymore.

The unfortunate part of this is my longing for a community like what I had. The atmosphere was incredible. The music was superb. The events were always there. I had people who had my back until I left. The people that I still communicate with frequently don’t even attend the church anymore. It’s not a bad thing, but I know that I definitely handled things in a way that I probably shouldn’t have at times.

It’s a hard process of grieving and processing pain. It admittedly made me an asshole for a while. I still hurt, and quite frankly hate seeing the church’s logo everywhere. It just brings back so many memories of pain for me. I’ve grown past being an ass from my pain, but that doesn’t mean that it still doesn’t hurt. Not only did I lose my church in all of this process, but I lost the God that I once served and all of the great things that surround it. I don’t think that it’s an unhealthy thing to say that or accept it either. My religious structure now is way more freeing under Hinduism as compared to what I experienced in Christianity, but as stated before: I don’t have a community like I once did.

I’m finding it easier to let go and forgive, and if anyone is reading this from my old church, I’m terribly sorry for what I may have said and done along the way. I forgive you for the awful things that I went through, but I won’t forget. I know I’ll never get an apology from the people who have done me wrong, and I’m sure folks are too scared of me at this point. That’s okay.  I’ve reconciled some things within myself, and I’m sure I don’t even matter to you anymore.

I wish the best of wishes to you, and I hope that God (whatever that may be) would bring you closer to its mystery and oneness.

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